he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
then he tried to convert me to islam
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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