Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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