You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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