I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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