Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
