I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
