When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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