the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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