I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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