I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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