We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
