Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You have to summon your inner elephant
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
