i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
