if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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