i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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