How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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