worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
