3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
