if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
