Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
