i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
