Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
