She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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