it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
that is very illegal...i love you.
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