I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
