so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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