I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
