dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
