Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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