At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
