trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
