i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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