Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
