Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hippo gnu deer
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
