so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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