my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
