what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
