Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
