He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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