My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
