You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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