I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
