just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the condom got lost in my hair
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
