I think I died a long time ago.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
