I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
