Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
