I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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