I wish I only lived at night.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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