why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
