I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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