your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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