Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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